I fully rate the women who can easily remove emotion from sex. I tend to think about sex as a place where people become more connected within their relationship and begin to join in a way that is personal to just one another. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT! Sex can have fuck all to do with love and emotions. It can if two people intend for it to be that way but the matter of the fact is, sex is just straight up fucking!
Back in my second year of uni, I was kind of seeing this guy (the line that literally never gets old). In fact the first guy since I had broken up with my former boyfriend, so the thought of sleeping with anyone who I wasn’t in a relationship with was just not thought of. Until I realised I have the libido of chimpanzee! I didn’t want sex, I needed it, especially because I went from getting it when I wanted, to moving to the Sahara Desert (and in those days I lived without my vibrating buddy, I know what you’re saying “But how?” To this day I have no clue!) So I found myself imagining everyone in bed. I mean everyone. I have to be honest and say that I was worried about myself, at one point I believed I was a sex addict (without actually having any sex to be addicted to…right *cough*), I even thought about becoming a escort just to get my fix (that was a moment of just pure creativity, complete exaggeration and slight curiosity). Then I watched Nymphomaniac and realised…no I’m not even going to pretend I’m close to that.
But then my prayers were answered one night after England lost a World Cup football match (SURPRISE! SURPRISE!). So defeated and alone, I found myself in a situation with, let’s call him Leo. I didn’t expect to have sex, to be honest I was rather fearful. I knew I wasn’t that interested in him which in fact I think that influenced my choice. So I did it. I was impressed, I had no emotion, nothing but sweet relief and I liked it. I felt sexy and strong, until I woke up and panicked. Me being overthinking Olivia went to work on ‘normalising’ the situation. I needed to justify it so I didn’t feel naughty.
One night, after a party at which he had consumed far too much alcohol, I asked him where we stood. I wanted a relationship, not necessarily with him which meant I needed to know if I was free to shop around. We were walking to his when I asked ‘So what are we’, he turned and screamed ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!?’ In shock I walked away. He managed to get me back, then explained that all he wanted to do was ‘Eat Me’. We slept together no more than a dozen times after that.
So to answer my own question….
So you ask ‘why sleep with him again, and again and again’ Well my answer to that is …’HE WAS ALL I HAD!!!’ Now where does this leave me? With a little more confidence to be honest. I respect myself and my morals. I found that act of sex is great, good sex can change your way of thinking but what makes me a happier person is having sex with someone who respects me even if we’re not in a relationship.