Are you really over your ex?


I have had 2 official/ 4 unofficial ex boyfriends. The other two had me on the down low – actually make that 3 because the one before my long term boyfriend (now husband) is the reason we are here.

Kind of.

No one knew we were dating, except me for 6 months. Maybe we weren’t because he broke up with me via text when I wanted to know why no one else  knew about us. He was great kisser though.

There is a general consensus that delete and destroy is the way to go when it comes to our exes whilst another school of thought are all for the amicable let’s stay friends camp, swapping life updates and singing kumbaya. I was a mesh of the two, hating them but wanting to know what they were up to. So I followed them on social media. I needed to know what their current partners looked like… did they move in together… are they going where we went…? And I was staking out their homes shy of being the exact depiction of the song Want U Back by Cher Lloyd. But here’s the thing –  I really didn’t. I was in a great no frills relationship and I was almost ruining it but cyber- stalking my exes. It was just unhealthy.

So now with all relationships, I check a few things:

  1. Do we love each other and are we working on it?
  2. Do I need them for business or emotional and spiritual growth?
  3. Are they are my employer?
  4. Do I feel anything positive when I know they are around or mentioned in a conversation?

If the answers I get from answering these questions are not in the positive realm, I delete them from my immediate constant environment. It is unhealthy and emotionally draining to hold on to things and hope they get better. I would rather apologise later for letting you go when I wasn’t ready to accommodate someone emotionally. In the long run, there’s less drama.

But I need to be whole or at least have me together than try and rescue everyone or absorb their drama. Even if I loved them, once upon a time.

You need to put your oxygen mask on first, before you can put someone else’s on. They may be in a bad place and you may be too, so the relationship didn’t work. But staying and hoping may make your hair fall out (mine did) and the only one who can make you happy is you. For real, put on some Ruby Woo, spritz on some Marc Jacobs ‘Daisy’ and go out. Dance. Be free. Cry if you want to. But remember to stop and live. And don’t get mean, get better.

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